A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, please help me. I hurt all over.”
The doctor asked the man to explain more.
The man said, “When I touch my arm it hurts, when I touch my leg it hurts, when I touch my head it hurts.Everywhere I touch it hurts.”
The doctor examined the man and said, “Mr Smith, your finger is broken!”
A man is in jail for robbing 27 banks. One day he receives a letter from his wife. It says…
As you are in jail I will have to plant the potatoes in the garden myself.
When is the best time to plant them?
He sends her the following reply…
Do not plant the potatoes in the garden as that is where I have hidden all the money from the bank robberies.
A few days later he receives another letter…
It’s terrible. Yesterday twenty policemen came to the house and dug up the whole garden, but they didn’t find anything.
He sends her the following reply…
Now is the best time to plant the potatoes!
It was the first day of Biology for a group of teenagers. The professor had arranged a short demonstration for the class. He took a worm and dropped it into a glass of water. The worm wriggled about in the water. Then he took a second worm and dropped it into a glass of alcohol. The worm immediately died. The professor asked the students if anyone knew what the point of the demonstration was.
A boy raised his hand and said, “You’re showing us that if we drink alcohol, we won’t have worms.”
One afternoon a wealthy laywer was sitting in the back of his , limousine being driven to work, when he saw two men eating grass by the side of the road. He ordered his driver to stop, and then he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” he asked the men. “Sir, we don’t have any money for food,” one of the men replied. “Come along with me,” instructed the lawyer. The first man said, “But sir, I have a wife and two children. They are also hungry.” “Bring them along too,” replied the lawyer. The second man said, “Sir, I have a wife and six children. Can they come as well, please?” “No problem, bring them as well,” answered the lawyer as he climbed back into his limo. Finally, they were all in the limo – the lawyer, the two men, their two wives and eight children. One of the men said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.” The lawyer replied, “No problem, there will be plenty to eat at my home. The grass is almost half a metre tall.”
A woman is walking along a beach when she finds an old oil lamp. She picks it up and rubs it, and out comes a genie. The genie says to the woman, “Thank you for freeing me from the oil lamp. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your horrible ex-husband will get twice as much. What is your first wish?” The woman says, “I’d like a million dollars in my bank account, please!” The genie says, “You now have a million dollars in your bank account, and your ex-husband now has two million dollars. What is your second wish?” The woman says, “I’ve always wanted a nice car. I’d like a brand new Rolls-Royce, please!” The genie says, “You now have a new Rolls-Royce in your garage at home, and your ex-husband now has two new Rolls-Royces. What is your third wish?” The woman thought for a while and then said, “I’d like you to remove one of my kidneys, please!”
GOD AND THE MAN:
A man visits God and says “God, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?” God says “No, ask me anything at all.” So the man says “God, you’ve been around for a very long time, so, for you, how long is a thousand years?” God replies “For me, a thousand years is only five minutes.” The man then says “That’s interesting God. And, for you, how much is a million dollars?” God replies “For me, a million dollars is only five cents.” The man says “Really? Well then God, could you lend me five cents please?” God looks at the man, smiles, and says “Of course my son. Just wait five minutes!”